well this is what happened my bf, bj and i had exams and he claims thats what was keeping busy even though i saw he was online talking to other people then when he finally did call he says his friend died, u know that kid that drowned in new syrmerna well that was his friend so i forgave him and he sayed he is going up to virginia to visit his family so i thought i wouldn't see him until next weekend and i was okay with that but then he sends me a message saying "YO MA IMMA TALK 2 U TOMARROW CUZ THIERS ALOT OF STUFF GOIN ON AND I MAY NEED A BREAK FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS BUT NOTHIN LONG TERM " i know he says not long term but all the people i just let go and didnt talk to them they left me then i checked on his myspace page and he put up a background and made it look all nice but then it says he's single and in the "who would you like to meet" box it use to say no one i have a firlfriend now it has qualifications for another girl that he wants i guess i wasn't enough.
but i didn't think it would last long not because we didn't match up well its just everyone who comes into my life leaves me no matter the reason they still leave. and right now fell like i am worth am ones time and i would do anything to ease the pain just a little. and no i don't do drugs or smoke or drink i am a clean, boring, quiet, fat, self-conscicious girl that knows nothing about herself. i use to be a cutter or more of a self-mutalater and that use to help temporarely until my mom found out and she put me in with that quak
i just want to go back before my parents divorce when i was truelly happy but right know i could never get there i wasn't ment to be happy and right now i fell i don't serve a purpose anywhere cause if i were to leave right now and never come back it would impact that much it might be better so my dad wont be i debt trying to pay child support cause my mom overcharges him but he doen't say anything cause its for me and he doesn't like confrintation but i see the pain in his eyes though he can't see mine cause i have trained my self to hide it and this is the only way i get it out or quietly crying myself to sleep but thats all for another day right now my mom(beast)is calling so i have to suck it up and but on my happy mask for everyone
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
have you ever felt ghsjhsjfhk?
hey i havent been on in a while but i just had to write cause alot has gone on 1.i got a boyfriend 2. i love my new friends 3. school is hard but lets start with 1
his name is BJ last name LOVE and yes i am serious he seems perfect i love his body he is buff and personality is the total opposite of mine but its like he is my other half (even thought we have only gone out 2) but its scary cause i don't people in my life get to me that easily but he some times knows what i am thinking but lately he has been grounded (not saying why) and he can't call but he perswaded me into getting a myspace which i like but i told my self i wouldn't be one of those crazy girls that goes crazy because ia m not at least #4 on his top but sadly i have because he is a good guy and he hasn't given me much reason not to trust him but he has all these gorgous girl-friends that he has could easily take my place i mean there skinny and pretty that usually ='s girlfriend but he chose me but i keep getting this feeling there is a girl constantly tring to take me out of my spot. not that suscept any of them its just a self consious feeling and i can't get over it and i am tring so hard cause i know that my self-consciousness and my over active mind will probabley end this but i don't want it to end cause he sayed he loved me which i have never gotten from anyone except my dad and i don't know if he really means it yet but i am willing to stick it out cause i feel mor can come of this. i just wish we could HANGOUT OR TALK more cause i am one those girls that you can hold them and it would make there whole world feel alright and thats all i want i could care less about any other physical thing and money isn't even an aspected so i think if we could do that it would be alright (and kissing isn't bad either) 8)
2. my friends are awsome there all white but that don't matter like my main girl britt (brittney)seem is a squirrel-robot-dinosaur-can't talk for shit-dork and see is awsome that way i can tell her anything and she could make me feel better never worst and then there is joey(gay)he is the happiest gay guy ever and he helps me with my problems 2 but he or we got alyssa and they have been friends forever so of courrse her stuff trumphs mine but thats ok caus ei have learned the longer you know someone the stronger the bond. then there is alexa,fergie(not her realname and is farest thing from the singer think more emo),alexsis,taylor,jessica,ajah,emma,mackenzie,vanessa,deshayla,lloyd,kata,keira,brittney(different one),chris,sammy, and there is other i am not good with names and its amazing that i remebered this much.
3.school has always been a problem but now its getting better except i thought was exempt from almost all my class for semester exams except maybe math and science but now i amnot exempt from english(with i did this whole letter thing to him cause i was missing one thing and a wrote and typed a apology letter then he throws it back in face say to gret it sighed by a parent i do that then the next day he says i am not exempt cause of absents HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE),math,science, and possinley spanish cause i missed a few assigments so i have to go to school for the rest of the week this sucks
but i am glad i am back typing
his name is BJ last name LOVE and yes i am serious he seems perfect i love his body he is buff and personality is the total opposite of mine but its like he is my other half (even thought we have only gone out 2) but its scary cause i don't people in my life get to me that easily but he some times knows what i am thinking but lately he has been grounded (not saying why) and he can't call but he perswaded me into getting a myspace which i like but i told my self i wouldn't be one of those crazy girls that goes crazy because ia m not at least #4 on his top but sadly i have because he is a good guy and he hasn't given me much reason not to trust him but he has all these gorgous girl-friends that he has could easily take my place i mean there skinny and pretty that usually ='s girlfriend but he chose me but i keep getting this feeling there is a girl constantly tring to take me out of my spot. not that suscept any of them its just a self consious feeling and i can't get over it and i am tring so hard cause i know that my self-consciousness and my over active mind will probabley end this but i don't want it to end cause he sayed he loved me which i have never gotten from anyone except my dad and i don't know if he really means it yet but i am willing to stick it out cause i feel mor can come of this. i just wish we could HANGOUT OR TALK more cause i am one those girls that you can hold them and it would make there whole world feel alright and thats all i want i could care less about any other physical thing and money isn't even an aspected so i think if we could do that it would be alright (and kissing isn't bad either) 8)
2. my friends are awsome there all white but that don't matter like my main girl britt (brittney)seem is a squirrel-robot-dinosaur-can't talk for shit-dork and see is awsome that way i can tell her anything and she could make me feel better never worst and then there is joey(gay)he is the happiest gay guy ever and he helps me with my problems 2 but he or we got alyssa and they have been friends forever so of courrse her stuff trumphs mine but thats ok caus ei have learned the longer you know someone the stronger the bond. then there is alexa,fergie(not her realname and is farest thing from the singer think more emo),alexsis,taylor,jessica,ajah,emma,mackenzie,vanessa,deshayla,lloyd,kata,keira,brittney(different one),chris,sammy, and there is other i am not good with names and its amazing that i remebered this much.
3.school has always been a problem but now its getting better except i thought was exempt from almost all my class for semester exams except maybe math and science but now i amnot exempt from english(with i did this whole letter thing to him cause i was missing one thing and a wrote and typed a apology letter then he throws it back in face say to gret it sighed by a parent i do that then the next day he says i am not exempt cause of absents HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE),math,science, and possinley spanish cause i missed a few assigments so i have to go to school for the rest of the week this sucks
but i am glad i am back typing
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