well this is what happened my bf, bj and i had exams and he claims thats what was keeping busy even though i saw he was online talking to other people then when he finally did call he says his friend died, u know that kid that drowned in new syrmerna well that was his friend so i forgave him and he sayed he is going up to virginia to visit his family so i thought i wouldn't see him until next weekend and i was okay with that but then he sends me a message saying "YO MA IMMA TALK 2 U TOMARROW CUZ THIERS ALOT OF STUFF GOIN ON AND I MAY NEED A BREAK FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS BUT NOTHIN LONG TERM " i know he says not long term but all the people i just let go and didnt talk to them they left me then i checked on his myspace page and he put up a background and made it look all nice but then it says he's single and in the "who would you like to meet" box it use to say no one i have a firlfriend now it has qualifications for another girl that he wants i guess i wasn't enough.
but i didn't think it would last long not because we didn't match up well its just everyone who comes into my life leaves me no matter the reason they still leave. and right now fell like i am worth am ones time and i would do anything to ease the pain just a little. and no i don't do drugs or smoke or drink i am a clean, boring, quiet, fat, self-conscicious girl that knows nothing about herself. i use to be a cutter or more of a self-mutalater and that use to help temporarely until my mom found out and she put me in with that quak
i just want to go back before my parents divorce when i was truelly happy but right know i could never get there i wasn't ment to be happy and right now i fell i don't serve a purpose anywhere cause if i were to leave right now and never come back it would impact that much it might be better so my dad wont be i debt trying to pay child support cause my mom overcharges him but he doen't say anything cause its for me and he doesn't like confrintation but i see the pain in his eyes though he can't see mine cause i have trained my self to hide it and this is the only way i get it out or quietly crying myself to sleep but thats all for another day right now my mom(beast)is calling so i have to suck it up and but on my happy mask for everyone
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
have you ever felt ghsjhsjfhk?
hey i havent been on in a while but i just had to write cause alot has gone on 1.i got a boyfriend 2. i love my new friends 3. school is hard but lets start with 1
his name is BJ last name LOVE and yes i am serious he seems perfect i love his body he is buff and personality is the total opposite of mine but its like he is my other half (even thought we have only gone out 2) but its scary cause i don't people in my life get to me that easily but he some times knows what i am thinking but lately he has been grounded (not saying why) and he can't call but he perswaded me into getting a myspace which i like but i told my self i wouldn't be one of those crazy girls that goes crazy because ia m not at least #4 on his top but sadly i have because he is a good guy and he hasn't given me much reason not to trust him but he has all these gorgous girl-friends that he has could easily take my place i mean there skinny and pretty that usually ='s girlfriend but he chose me but i keep getting this feeling there is a girl constantly tring to take me out of my spot. not that suscept any of them its just a self consious feeling and i can't get over it and i am tring so hard cause i know that my self-consciousness and my over active mind will probabley end this but i don't want it to end cause he sayed he loved me which i have never gotten from anyone except my dad and i don't know if he really means it yet but i am willing to stick it out cause i feel mor can come of this. i just wish we could HANGOUT OR TALK more cause i am one those girls that you can hold them and it would make there whole world feel alright and thats all i want i could care less about any other physical thing and money isn't even an aspected so i think if we could do that it would be alright (and kissing isn't bad either) 8)
2. my friends are awsome there all white but that don't matter like my main girl britt (brittney)seem is a squirrel-robot-dinosaur-can't talk for shit-dork and see is awsome that way i can tell her anything and she could make me feel better never worst and then there is joey(gay)he is the happiest gay guy ever and he helps me with my problems 2 but he or we got alyssa and they have been friends forever so of courrse her stuff trumphs mine but thats ok caus ei have learned the longer you know someone the stronger the bond. then there is alexa,fergie(not her realname and is farest thing from the singer think more emo),alexsis,taylor,jessica,ajah,emma,mackenzie,vanessa,deshayla,lloyd,kata,keira,brittney(different one),chris,sammy, and there is other i am not good with names and its amazing that i remebered this much.
3.school has always been a problem but now its getting better except i thought was exempt from almost all my class for semester exams except maybe math and science but now i amnot exempt from english(with i did this whole letter thing to him cause i was missing one thing and a wrote and typed a apology letter then he throws it back in face say to gret it sighed by a parent i do that then the next day he says i am not exempt cause of absents HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE),math,science, and possinley spanish cause i missed a few assigments so i have to go to school for the rest of the week this sucks
but i am glad i am back typing
his name is BJ last name LOVE and yes i am serious he seems perfect i love his body he is buff and personality is the total opposite of mine but its like he is my other half (even thought we have only gone out 2) but its scary cause i don't people in my life get to me that easily but he some times knows what i am thinking but lately he has been grounded (not saying why) and he can't call but he perswaded me into getting a myspace which i like but i told my self i wouldn't be one of those crazy girls that goes crazy because ia m not at least #4 on his top but sadly i have because he is a good guy and he hasn't given me much reason not to trust him but he has all these gorgous girl-friends that he has could easily take my place i mean there skinny and pretty that usually ='s girlfriend but he chose me but i keep getting this feeling there is a girl constantly tring to take me out of my spot. not that suscept any of them its just a self consious feeling and i can't get over it and i am tring so hard cause i know that my self-consciousness and my over active mind will probabley end this but i don't want it to end cause he sayed he loved me which i have never gotten from anyone except my dad and i don't know if he really means it yet but i am willing to stick it out cause i feel mor can come of this. i just wish we could HANGOUT OR TALK more cause i am one those girls that you can hold them and it would make there whole world feel alright and thats all i want i could care less about any other physical thing and money isn't even an aspected so i think if we could do that it would be alright (and kissing isn't bad either) 8)
2. my friends are awsome there all white but that don't matter like my main girl britt (brittney)seem is a squirrel-robot-dinosaur-can't talk for shit-dork and see is awsome that way i can tell her anything and she could make me feel better never worst and then there is joey(gay)he is the happiest gay guy ever and he helps me with my problems 2 but he or we got alyssa and they have been friends forever so of courrse her stuff trumphs mine but thats ok caus ei have learned the longer you know someone the stronger the bond. then there is alexa,fergie(not her realname and is farest thing from the singer think more emo),alexsis,taylor,jessica,ajah,emma,mackenzie,vanessa,deshayla,lloyd,kata,keira,brittney(different one),chris,sammy, and there is other i am not good with names and its amazing that i remebered this much.
3.school has always been a problem but now its getting better except i thought was exempt from almost all my class for semester exams except maybe math and science but now i amnot exempt from english(with i did this whole letter thing to him cause i was missing one thing and a wrote and typed a apology letter then he throws it back in face say to gret it sighed by a parent i do that then the next day he says i am not exempt cause of absents HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE),math,science, and possinley spanish cause i missed a few assigments so i have to go to school for the rest of the week this sucks
but i am glad i am back typing
Saturday, August 25, 2007
have you ever felt sad?
my parent's are divorcied, now before you scroll on i promise i will try to make this the least i-the-spoiled-sad-divorced-parent-kid entry i can. i was one of those (and still am) "o of course am fine with you leaving each other forever" kind of kid. i push back my emotion so far that almost at any given moment they just pore out when my head overflowed. like with movies when i am with people i always see comedys or action movies because those aren't crying type movies. like this one time i rented this really sad movie on new years because i was at my dad's house and he was working, so here i am alone crying no bawling at this movie finally i just turn it off. so there i am crying and how stupid i am for crying in the dark alone and can't stop. i mean even now just writing this i am tearing up.but anyways i vowed to stop crying end stay hard to every thing sad and look happy around people when i am not. just today my dad pointed out to me that when no one is talking to me i frown alot, but then when i told my friend that she was amased because at school i am usually look happy and is laughing. i guess i do a pretty good job with my disguise then beacuse usually when i am quiet i am either thinking about what people are saying around me because i am a very good listener or thinking in the back of my mind if i could have done something better or more to have them stay together. i mean they say there's nothing and then ask if i am alright and i say yes but that little voice in my head says no and some times i just want to poke that voice in head with a q-tip. i sorry see thats what imean of emotions all i wanted to say here is that i fell like my best friend,mydad,and i fell like were drifting apart and i go and tell you my whole (well not my whole)(and no i am not a mental case just because that is not all my problems even thought this one does seem pretty big)messed up side of me. well anyways sorry and thanks to those who chose to listen to me whine about my life.
my parent's are divorcied, now before you scroll on i promise i will try to make this the least i-the-spoiled-sad-divorced-parent-kid entry i can. i was one of those (and still am) "o of course am fine with you leaving each other forever" kind of kid. i push back my emotion so far that almost at any given moment they just pore out when my head overflowed. like with movies when i am with people i always see comedys or action movies because those aren't crying type movies. like this one time i rented this really sad movie on new years because i was at my dad's house and he was working, so here i am alone crying no bawling at this movie finally i just turn it off. so there i am crying and how stupid i am for crying in the dark alone and can't stop. i mean even now just writing this i am tearing up.but anyways i vowed to stop crying end stay hard to every thing sad and look happy around people when i am not. just today my dad pointed out to me that when no one is talking to me i frown alot, but then when i told my friend that she was amased because at school i am usually look happy and is laughing. i guess i do a pretty good job with my disguise then beacuse usually when i am quiet i am either thinking about what people are saying around me because i am a very good listener or thinking in the back of my mind if i could have done something better or more to have them stay together. i mean they say there's nothing and then ask if i am alright and i say yes but that little voice in my head says no and some times i just want to poke that voice in head with a q-tip. i sorry see thats what imean of emotions all i wanted to say here is that i fell like my best friend,mydad,and i fell like were drifting apart and i go and tell you my whole (well not my whole)(and no i am not a mental case just because that is not all my problems even thought this one does seem pretty big)messed up side of me. well anyways sorry and thanks to those who chose to listen to me whine about my life.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
Your element is Water: Understanding, intelligent, quiet and calm. You know who you are and no one can change that. Usually quiet but only because your listening, don't let anyone think you haven't got an opinion! Your not quiet because your shy or sad, your usually quiet because you are thinking. Your answers are well planned and helpful so people generally seek your advice. Your the perfect balance between solitary and outgoing. But sometimes you need a little time to yourself to sort out your emotions and figure things out. You understand the phrase 'sticks and stone' and rarely let things get to you. What's that important for you to have to get so upset over? You know what you want out of life but are simply taking your time and enjoying things. To you your life is fine as it is, you can always change things later if your not happy.
Take this quiz!
Quizilla |
Join
| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code
Saturday, August 18, 2007
have you ever felt frustrated?
as you all know i am going to lake mary high but i was also going to go to seminole first. so i switch in the middle of the summer thats good but the summer reading project was not. now i am cramming to read and finsh fahrenheit 451. and for those who have not read it your lucky. its very confusing and i have to answer questions on it. o and did i tell you my time limit is o about 1 day and i luckily finish most of the questions except one that is this: Explain the meaning and significance of the title Fahrenheit 451. for those who have read it and know the answer to this question please comment and answer.
ppppppppppplllllllllllllleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
as you all know i am going to lake mary high but i was also going to go to seminole first. so i switch in the middle of the summer thats good but the summer reading project was not. now i am cramming to read and finsh fahrenheit 451. and for those who have not read it your lucky. its very confusing and i have to answer questions on it. o and did i tell you my time limit is o about 1 day and i luckily finish most of the questions except one that is this: Explain the meaning and significance of the title Fahrenheit 451. for those who have read it and know the answer to this question please comment and answer.
ppppppppppplllllllllllllleeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaasssssssseeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, August 13, 2007
have you ever felt lost?
if you dont already know that i am in high school then now you know. well let me clairify that i am going i in to high school i am a freshman yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....wait no that you llike about it i am not so happy. see : ( not happy. you know how in the movies freshman get picked on well i am scared of that so much. i was the girl with the wait problem, hair a mess, and glasses to top it off. but my advantage was that i was and am tall. my down fall was that i am shy and don't like people staring at me. no my mom says its because am pretty but she is supossed to say that. well any ways as i was saing i am a freshman in high school and today i went and got my schedule. easyier said then done i mean that building is huge. no thats an understatement that building was humoungous. in case you where wondering why i thought it was so huge i have never been to a public school. so here i was a tall, nice dressed(i think), all her life going private school girl in a sea of people. o and with my brightly colored dressed mom at myside just to add. so was ting to find the line to get my schedule and well that easier said then done because first i lost my mom in the crowd and get pushed all the way down to the end of the hall,dont have a map, dont see anyone i know in the crowd so i decide to go outside. so i am outside and try to get back in and then not realixeing that i walked in to the gym. now that would not have so bad if hadn't walked in to the boys basketball practice. if i hadn't mentioned that i am the MOST shyest girl on earth then i am saying it now. i am really good at school but boys are the one class i failed at miserable in middle school and there in front of me where some tall, muscle, hot guys. if i wasn't so smart i would have fainted there but i didn't. so i calmly looking (not feeling ) got out of there again like always there were some of them lookinng at me.after that i had to sit down. after a while i found my mom and found the guide and found my classes. but no my high school was not finished my mom wanted to me to plan a route. so i found my first and second period class and then my mom got tierd so see sat down in the cafe and i went to find the rest of my classes so i find my last class and am on my way out and i turn the corner and run smack into the cutes guy ever. he had these bright hazel eyes, (black guy by the way)well built body, and the cutest smile. i about melted when he said "o sorry" but it was so nice and with a smile and walked on. i just stood there like a idiot in a daze. after getting lost 7or8 times, asking for direction to many times to count, and just tring to remeber the surroundings i found my mom and went home. it is so fun being a freshman on her first day : )
if you dont already know that i am in high school then now you know. well let me clairify that i am going i in to high school i am a freshman yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh....wait no that you llike about it i am not so happy. see : ( not happy. you know how in the movies freshman get picked on well i am scared of that so much. i was the girl with the wait problem, hair a mess, and glasses to top it off. but my advantage was that i was and am tall. my down fall was that i am shy and don't like people staring at me. no my mom says its because am pretty but she is supossed to say that. well any ways as i was saing i am a freshman in high school and today i went and got my schedule. easyier said then done i mean that building is huge. no thats an understatement that building was humoungous. in case you where wondering why i thought it was so huge i have never been to a public school. so here i was a tall, nice dressed(i think), all her life going private school girl in a sea of people. o and with my brightly colored dressed mom at myside just to add. so was ting to find the line to get my schedule and well that easier said then done because first i lost my mom in the crowd and get pushed all the way down to the end of the hall,dont have a map, dont see anyone i know in the crowd so i decide to go outside. so i am outside and try to get back in and then not realixeing that i walked in to the gym. now that would not have so bad if hadn't walked in to the boys basketball practice. if i hadn't mentioned that i am the MOST shyest girl on earth then i am saying it now. i am really good at school but boys are the one class i failed at miserable in middle school and there in front of me where some tall, muscle, hot guys. if i wasn't so smart i would have fainted there but i didn't. so i calmly looking (not feeling ) got out of there again like always there were some of them lookinng at me.after that i had to sit down. after a while i found my mom and found the guide and found my classes. but no my high school was not finished my mom wanted to me to plan a route. so i found my first and second period class and then my mom got tierd so see sat down in the cafe and i went to find the rest of my classes so i find my last class and am on my way out and i turn the corner and run smack into the cutes guy ever. he had these bright hazel eyes, (black guy by the way)well built body, and the cutest smile. i about melted when he said "o sorry" but it was so nice and with a smile and walked on. i just stood there like a idiot in a daze. after getting lost 7or8 times, asking for direction to many times to count, and just tring to remeber the surroundings i found my mom and went home. it is so fun being a freshman on her first day : )
Monday, August 6, 2007
have you ever felt geeky?
i feel absulotly geeky to day. Its not because of me starting a new blog but me getting so emotional over anime and manga. i mean, i am not saying there is anything wrong with anime and manga but its not real. i was watching OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB and it was so funny and sad and romantic it was cool. so i wanted to share it with you people.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
